Scatman Faun

Rated: Fiction M - English - Adventure - [Sftabhmontown] - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1440 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3


Scatman Faun

Fauns & Friends and all that jazz

By: Geoffrey Diamonds

Chapter 1

Ruddy Flynn stepped unto the woods edge and looked into the field to see if it was safe, stealthily. The halfling's hazel eyes darted back and forth to look for trouble, before turning around to give the sign that it was all clear. Immediately Twinkles tumbled out of the brush, stumbling over nothing and struggling to align the holes in his wobbling, oversized helmet with his eyes so he could see, as Geoffrey howled with laughter and Greyson's wrinkled visage became taught with contempt. If there were anything here they wouldn't have been able to react well anyways, thought Ruddy.

The group was hunting a faun named Stephan, which isn't unusual since all fauns are named Stephan and are greatly fond of dark coffee, soulful music, and generally getting fucked up but acting really haughty about it while looking down upon teens doing the same thing but anyways

this faun was very important because after charming a ton of the party and causing trouble he escaped unharmed, much to Geoffrey's disdain, because that just WOULDN'T be a good way to end the story he had already started writing. Vengence was necessary for the sake of literary progress so they were to kill he.

Greyson sniffed the air. “Coffee. Black. They're near.” he murdered with a scowl. Geoffrey yawned and produced a silk handkerchief, covering his mouth and sprawling amongst some wildflowers. A hand raised above them and lazily signed a spell, detect magic. He sat up, fanned himself with his bonnet, and pointed to the west, further into the Stonelands.

Stephan sat silently atop a folded chair and also had people fanning him and also a small band played flutes and lutes inside of Stephan's tent. It smelled like incense but probably the cheap kind people use when they just want to cover up a smell. A hunched figure weakly opened the flap to the tent bathing it in a bright light and approached, dressed in a rough leather robe that covered its face completely also it had a long tail that stuck out from under it in the back.

“It's complete.” the hooded figure spoke to Stephan, small grey and clawed hands presenting to him a small, folded pile of cloth and a cap. The faun smiled, knowing he would surely be unstoppable with this new enchantment. Years had gone by where he slowly captured powerful spellcasters around the world, all to gain access to their powers and cumulatively, produce this single enchanted outfit.

Silently, he put on the shirt, jacket, and fedora.

Now, he thought, I am READY.

Chapter 2

Ruddy and Greyson looked over the hill and saw there were a ton of guards that were bristling in excitement for some reason. Geoffrey stayed back in a small clearing playing with Twinkles, a game where he acted like he threw a ball but actually just hid it behind his back but Twinkles ran after it anyhow. Greyson, maintaining the smooth movements and discipline needed to not be seen, crawled on his stomach to attract their attention. Twinkles approached him, “What'cha doing, Mr. Blackstone?” he chirped before Greyson pulled him down. Making a number of hand signs to indicate that 30 guards were just over the hill and to be quiet, Twinkles returned this with an empty gaze. “We're playing cat and mouse. We're the cats and hunting.” Greyson said, and Twinkles bobbed his oversized helmet and started moving stealthily.

Ruddy Flynn was hiding in the shadows when they returned, and whispered that something was occurring in the camp. The halfling pointed to the group, and they saw Stephan step out, but he was dressed in a fine black three piece suit, tie, and fedora. “Mother of god…” Geoffrey's detect magic spell was tugging at the edges of his mind with razor sharp claws, the enchantments upon these items were so powerful.

“What do we do?” Twinkles asked cheerily. He hadn't seen anything because his helmet again wobbled to the side, so it was really just a general question.

Greyson was about to say something when the twang of a shortbow rang in his ears beside him and he looked to see Ruddy Flynn readying another arrow with a grin. Greyson looked to see where the arrow fell and saw two guards pinned by the throat to a post of the grand tent that Stephan was staying inside. The other guards were completely surprised and had no idea what to do but Stephan straightened his tie and began to walk towards the group.

Ruddy took out another three guards from the shadows before they rallied and began to form a shield wall. Greyson's experience in the military told him that this would not end well and a quick fighting retreat might goad them into the forest where they could pick them off, and he turned to the side to tell Ruddy and the others that they needed to leave but Ruddy had already slipped away into the bushes.

Suddenly, Stephan sipped a cup of coffee and boomed out “SSSSKEEEEP BOP DE BO BOP BOP BEEEE BOP SKI DIDIDIDI!” The beautiful sounds of the music echoed across the field with a sudden, tremendous shockwave that blew leaves from the trees. What were these mysertious words of power?

Knocked back, Geoffrey stood up and began to cast a spell of sleep upon Stephan, but whatever he was wearing stopped the spell from having any effect. “We must leave!” said Greyson, grabbing and dragging Twinkles. Twinkles struggled against it, broke free, and ran to join Stephan, obviously charmed. “Geoffrey! We can't fight him!” Greyson barked, his tone becoming angry. Geoffrey knew he was right and cast a shield spell to prevent attacks while they hastily retreated.

“SWEEEEBODA BAH DA DA BAP BEEP BOP BAM DO!” Stephan sang again, the words piercing the mind of those who sought to kill him. Geoffrey struggled against the charm, but Greyson pushed him aside to rush forward to the Faun.

With Greyson and Twinkles charmed, Ruddy missing, and his spells ineffective, Geoffrey sighed. He certainly wasn't going to let him write anything, IF Stephan allowed him to live. What about Bob? His picture book wasn't even complete yet, the alphabet section only goes up to the letter 'E'! Geoffrey stood up and raised his arms in surrender.

“Good, come to me, child!” Stephan howled, his guards beating their shields and cheering. “You sought to defeat me for revenge, man? You don't even know. You shot first, you don't know me. Do you even know yourself enough to know why?”

Geoffrey sighed again, rolling his eyes. Is this going to be a monologue? “I guess? I wasn't really listening.”

Stephan continued, “Well, you see, this suit was produced by the finest clothiers in the lands. Silk and tailored to my exact specifications, no finer suit has been produced in all of history.” Geoffrey had to admit it was a pretty nice suit, even though it was double breasted. “Neeh, I guess.” Geoffrey replied.

“Oh, it isn't the quality of the suit that makes this special, though. A high quality suit was needed for a specific enchantment, one to allow me power over the “scatting” school of magic!”

“Scatting? Huh. Sounds gross. I knew a giant once who was into that. Killed him twice, I did.” Geoffrey said with a smirk.

Stephan was unphased. “With you in my ranks, Mr. Diamonds, we could rule the world. Join me willingly, you're too good for a charm spell.”

Stephan sat with Geoffrey for some time However WITH GREAT SPEED an arrow pierced Stephan's hat, pinning it to the ground as a silvery waft of smoke escaped from it. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Stephan said, collapsing to the ground and rolling his head back as though something was pulling it backwards, and a pillar of similar silver smoke poured from his mouth and escaped into the aether. Buddy Flynn popped up from the bushes with a wild look in her eyes and wide grin across her freckled face, wind tousseling her wavy hair to make her look especially badass. Geoffrey saw his chance and stepped forward, one hand grabbing Stephan's tiny horn (Lol) and the other ramming a dagger through his throat.

As the faun struggled in a pool of his own blood, Ruddy, Greyson and Twinkles formed around Geoffrey. The guards, dazed and confused, dropped their weapons as the charm spell lifted off of them.

“Sorry, Stephan. I would join you, but the fact of the matter is…” Geoffrey took out his silk hankie and yawned into it. “I'm not terribly FAUN of you.”

The End.

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