The Tragedy of Dwarf Raddoh, Moor of Ardstone

Scene I. A street in Sstabhmontown.

Enter Geoffrey Diamonds and Bob

BOB Hush, Geoffrey! Know not what you speak,
When you tell me of my love's dalliance
With those I detest.

GEOFFREY Be it true, it must be spoken! Like Ruddy
I cannot be the deceiver, thou must know the truth.

BOB Verily, did thou tell me out of spite,
To make my conscious heavy of the feels?

GEOFFREY Despise me if I do not! I do not lead you
Believe I would allow a Short Thing that has built
My superficial reputation to end my closest of friendships?
Truly I cannot cease to be true between us, upon the basis
Of my own selfish means.
He who hath given me my celebrity, has also spurned;
The Dorf is my patron but has chosen another over myself.
He deserves not the same respect that I give to you,
My little friend! Until he respects me, he cannot expect
That I will repay him in anything but with the currency
Of spite.

BOB Oh, would I rather be the Demon Queen at this moment!

GEOFFREY There's no recourse, tis the curse of friendship.
Preference goes by a meritocracy, versus who would be
The best recipient for a just reward.
Now, shortstuff, be the judge by thineself,
Am I wrong to spurn him?

BOB Surely, would I as well aim to hurt him.

GEOFFREY Oh, sweet Bob, do not get me wrong,
I do not wish to cause harm to the dear Dorf, that I love,
I wish to show him where he has made mistake
And make him realize his error. Realize, many a
Knee-bending, soul-crushed Hireling has spent his days
In dangerous bondage unto his master, only to
Waste his life upon servitude, and not come into their
Own self. Never, never, never shall I be unto Him what
The lowliest peasant is to the common Adventurer.
He is of enough fortune that he can spread his wealth
Not unlike the Obama: socially.

BOB Truly, he should!

GEOFFREY Hark, we come upon the house of Rosencrantz.
Let us call out unto its caretaker and tell them
Of this great injustice!

BOB What ho, Rosencrantz? Dear, dear Rosencrantz!

GEOFFREY Thieves, Rosencrantz! They are here to steal,
And burn down your duplex! Awaken and fight them off!

ROSENCRANTZ What the fuck? Geoffrey? Is that Bob with you?
What time is it? Go away you goddamn drunks.

BOB Dear Rosencrantz, know you of where your treasure is currently?

GEOFFREY Are your doors locked?

ROSENCRANTZ If you fucking stole something from me I will
Kick the shit out of both of you faster than you can say sorry.

GEOFFREY Zounds! Dear Rosencrantz, you knoweth not
The greatest robbery which has betaken us!
You are angry in your false fear that you have been robbed,
But we know for certain that we have been,
And this wounds us to the soul.

ROSENCRANTZ Are you seriously waking me up to yell at me about
Getting robbed? I don't give a shit.

BOB Verily! Verily, it is the truth, that we have
Not gained what is owed unto us.
The Dorf, Moor of Ardstone, has deceived
And chosen another!

ROSENCRANTZ Go home Bob and Geoffrey, you're drunk.

Exit Rosencrantz

GEOFFREY Bob, let us take our leave. Our intoxication
Betrays us. While playing harpey to Rosencantz's Phineas
Is a good time, we will get nowhere in our current state.

BOB Aye, Geoffrey. Let us return to our tower,
And scheme further into the night.

Exit Bob and Geoffrey

~to be continued~

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