Can Ghosts Have Sex?
all the questions an intrepid adventurer like you wanted to ask but didn't want to find out for yourself
1. Can Ghosts Have Sex?
This depends. The act of intimacy with a ghost is actually impossible for mortals, due to the negative energies associated with ghosts immediately killing the person. Ghosts, however, regularly do get it on with each other; spending thousands of years alone in a cave with each other they're bound to eventually put the "erotic" in "necrotic".
| - |
Ghosts |
Humans |
Corporeal Undead |
| Ghosts |
O |
X |
O |
| Humans |
X |
O |
O |
| Corporeal Undead |
O |
O |
X1 |
1. Corporeal undead have unrealistic expectations and are grossed out by each other, and will never form any bonds or attraction to one another.
Author's note: please don't attempt to replicate or verify these results due to the massive risk it holds, and that it's gross and really uncomfortable so please
2. Is evolution real?
The existence of dwarves and elves proves evolution. No intelligent creator would ever design something with so much hubris or, in the case of dwarves, hair. Yuck. Dwarves evolved from stones, and there is a callback to the earlier stages in their evolution by the thin, weird stone egg they are born from. Elves evolved from flowers or something which probably explains why they're big vain jerks who think themselves very important but smell quite nice.
3. Powdered Cockatrice Beak for Personal Problems
Supporting the cockatrice horn trade is a very poor choice for more than just the fact that these creatures are being hunted down and debeaked as a treatment for problems in bed, it is completely ineffective. It is ineffective due to the series of ten glands that are actually responsible for the petrification effect in a living cockatrice, and these glands disappear as soon as they die and are also invisible while they're alive, to keep their powers kept from going into the wrong hands. Doing a line of powdered cockatrice beak will just make your nose bleed and nothing else, if you really want something effective try a "transmute mud to stone" spell.
4. Necromancy is Evil?
Is it evil to use a sword? No, the evil is in the acts that the person wielding the sword commits. Don't be so judgmental, just because some people raise the dead and use them to do cool things so they don't have to.
5. Is the Future is Cool?
No. I've been there, it's terrifying and huge and loud and everyone has magic wands that shoot anything from lightning to gigantic spikes, and they all wear iron golems for armor and turn their friends into gigantic metal beasts similar to a cockatrice, centipede, and platypus all in one. What's worse is that one of these futuremen has found their way into our world and is terrorizing the countryside because he thinks our world is an amusement park recreation of the past, and is unable to be harmed by our primitive weaponry. BEWARE THE FUTURE.
6. Adventurers get rated?
It's true, there is an official tier listing of all adventurers, with a select few being chosen for the God Tier. A good source of advice on surviving to see yourself attain such a high status would be found in the publication How to Survive the Dungeon by Raddoh the Aviator!
7. Do ghosts have social circles?
Yes, they do! In fact, all ghosts know each other, it's part of being a ghost. This is why, if you were trapped in an event horizon for example, you couldn't fool a ghost into thinking you are one unless you can fool them into thinking you are someone who is a ghost. You can't act like your dead version of yourself, you know? But most ghosts do not know they are ghosts though it's like how a cat knows that a dog is not a cat but it doesn't necessarily know that it is a cat
8. Do dogs dream?
Yes they do but they are not smart enough to know that they're dreaming which is why they do dumb things when they're awake. A dog would go "Whoa I was able to run through doors yesterday why can't I now?" because they had a dream they could run through things.
Dear Geoffrey
Geoffrey Diamonds accepts any mail to help adventurers with their own troubles and will respond as soon as possible.
Dear Geoffrey Diamonds,
I am a huge fan of yours, first. Second, I am in a bit of a pickle and need your advice. Last week I rescued this really nice lady who was in trouble but now I think she might want to marry me! I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, but she is so nice and so pretty that I would feel bad saying no. What can I do?
Sincerely,
A very conflicted and definitely not charmed dwarf.
Dear Conflicted,
Your experience sounds like a story-book romance that just falls together by coincidence… except it is one-sided!
It's important to make your intentions clear, especially if you genuinely like this person in a platonic way. However, it could be deeper than just a misunderstanding and more a manner of how some individuals and creatures other than humans and dwarfs express their gratitude, friendship, and love. This is especially of note for those who seek to rescue damsels in distress out in the countryside or even more dangerous, in a place full of nymphs and dryads like Elf Land (unless, of course, you like being absorbed into a tree as a dryad's lover for centuries). Be careful who you're rescuing, not everyone has been locked away for bad reasons! If your suitor falls into this category, the wisdom on how to proceed of a good cleric or highly skilled wizard would be a good idea to seek out.
It would probably be an excellent idea to have a very frank conversation with this person, especially if you genuinely like them on a platonic level, to ensure there isn't any misunderstanding about what you're both feeling. Even if it ends up that it was just a misunderstanding, you will be better off; perhaps she has been getting the same vibes from you and is just as concerned. It might be prudent to talk to a friend about this before you go into it, they might have a good perspective since they're detached from the situation and should hopefully know you well and a bit of what you're going through.
Last, marriage because of feeling obligated is a terrible decision! Especially for someone that lives as long as you dorf-types do, sabotaging the happiness of your remaining centuries because of being afraid to hurt someone's feelings is no good.
If you do end up getting married, though, do make sure to invite me to the ceremony!
Good luck,
~D
Dear Diamonds;
Schlongizor keeps showing up at the Danish Brothel and it has been making myself and the other Danes feel bad about ourselves, because of the inept proportions of all Danish Men. What can I do to help the boys come to term with their demon envy?
Signed,
The Real Rozinkrantz
P.S. Please publish this letter and your reply widely so other Danes can be guided by your sage words.
Dear Rozinkrantz
After assessing the girth of your situation, I think the answer here is pretty clear: it is only natural that one would experience feelings of inadequacy and have their pride grow flaccid in the presence of a giant, bloody, turgid, phallic demonic entity. There are a few very important things that I can say to help guide you (and all other Danes) toward accepting this situation, but ultimately the brunt of the work will depend on your ability to keep a stiff upper lip and overcome expectations you've placed upon yourself.
First, you need to accept yourself for who you are and not deny it, you are an individual who has genitals of a diminutive nature. People enjoy confidence, and that can offset any inadequacy that could arise! This is very important, you have to put your foot down now and make sure everyone accepts you for who you are. As well, it's pointless to compare yourself to an unholy, evil floating creature comprised entirely of penis.
Secondly, it is important to talk to Schlongizor's keeper. While a demon itself would not be receptive to such talks, explaining that Schlongizor keeps pushing his way into the Brothel and making everyone uncomfortable should be enough for his keeper to get a strong grip on him and keep a tighter leash.
Last, I warn you against thrusting yourself into the world of quick-fix solutions to your problem. While you could easily hire a wizard to address these issues, it wouldn't be doing yourself justice to do so. Additionally, many of these solutions are fake, untested, or could make the problem even worse! If you think you have problems now, wait until you get a cursed ring of flaccidity.
I'm positive you will be able to get on top of this very easily, Rozinkrantz! I wish you the best, and of course, never hesitate to write me if you need more advice!
Ta ta for now,
~D
Hi GD, long time listener, first time questioner. We all know that it is true that Baelfjord is the most just of the heroes in Lonhall, but is it also true that he is the most courageous, or is the inverse true, which is to say he does not need courage because he is the mightiest? Thanks, and I wish you all the best with your fellow warriors of light.
Hi there, concerned citizen!
First, thank you for writing to me regarding such an important and deep question. Having known Baelfjord for an extremely long time, of course I am in an excellent position to answer this thoroughly.
It would be helpful to discuss what courage is in the first place. It is well agreed upon that courage is being able to face something that frightens you, and show your strength in attempting to overcome it. Do not confuse this with fearlessness. Fear is an integral part of courage; without knowing fear, one cannot know courage.
Now, with this understanding, we can investigate your specific question of John Baelfjord. Was it courage that made him slaughter the Calnican monks at Braynoch’s cliff? Was it courage that made him break into my house, bust down a wall, and destroy the biological specimens I had brought from another dimension? Is courage what drove him to trick Rosencrantz the lawful warrior of light into kissing a cat?
No. You see, Baelfjord has many qualities, but being courageous is not one of them. He is exceptionally driven, somewhat talented, and very principled. These features are what make him tick, above all else.
Finally, I will close with a quote from the man himself regarding his view on courage:
“I have often admired those who possess courage…” - TG Balefjord
I hope that answers your question, thank you again for the ask!
Much love,
Geoffrey Diamonds
Dear Jeff Dymonds; recently we rescued an old party member from a dungeon and it turned out he (she?) was a succubus. We fought and defeated the demon, and her clerical servants, and thought the whole ugly thing was done with and we put it well behind us. Or so I thought. This week, my party insisted we find another version of this succubus and rescue him (her?) from the dungeon again. I am scared. Why would they do this? Are all my comrades succubi? Please advise. - Not a Succubus
Hi there, Not a Succubus!
I’m really glad you wrote to me about this, a similar event happened to me quite recently and I think I could share some valuable insight.
I understand the frustration with trying to rescue someone but getting fooled. Succubi are terrible creatures, and little known fact, not only do they harvest the souls of men but they also enjoy sucking the enthusiasm out of them as well. These vicious things use enthusiasm as currency at the casinos in hell.
So, do consider that your lack of enthusiasm at having rescued your old friend might be caused by your previous encounter with a succubus.
Secondly, there are a few very easy tests to help assuage your fears about this rescued party member: First, tell a bad joke. A succubus will laugh at it because they have a terrible sense of humor and want to act like they got the joke, but in reality it was a shitty joke so there’s nothing to get. Secondly, apply a duck to their lips. Did the duck die? Last, you could spray them with holy water or cast true seeing, but that’s boring so don’t do that.
Last, but more concerning, is your question of motives and if your comrades are all succubi. Investigate, and keep in mind a few traits that gives a succubus away immediately: walking widdershins around things for no reason, refusing to use doors and waiting for others to open them, they read women on the street for their choice in clothing, and exclusively use spoons to eat.
Good luck, Not a Succubus! I hope you solve your dilemma soon!
XOXO,
~D
Hi GD, long time listener, first time questioner. We all know that it is true that Baelfjord is the most just of the heroes in Lonhall, but is it also true that he is the most courageous, or is the inverse true, which is to say he does not need courage because he is the mightiest? Thanks, and I wish you all the best with your fellow warriors of light.
Hi there, concerned citizen!
First, thank you for writing to me regarding such an important and deep question. Having known Baelfjord for an extremely long time, of course I am in an excellent position to answer this thoroughly.
It would be helpful to discuss what courage is in the first place. It is well agreed upon that courage is being able to face something that frightens you, and show your strength in attempting to overcome it. Do not confuse this with fearlessness. Fear is an integral part of courage; without knowing fear, one cannot know courage.
Now, with this understanding, we can investigate your specific question of John Baelfjord. Was it courage that made him slaughter the Calnican monks at Braynoch’s cliff? Was it courage that made him break into my house, bust down a wall, and destroy the biological specimens I had brought from another dimension? Is courage what drove him to trick Rosencrantz the lawful warrior of light into kissing a cat?
No. You see, Baelfjord has many qualities, but being courageous is not one of them. He is exceptionally driven, somewhat talented, and very principled. These features are what make him tick, above all else.
Finally, I will close with a quote from the man himself regarding his view on courage:
“I have often admired those who possess courage…” - TG Balefjord
I hope that answers your question, thank you again for the ask!
Much love,
Geoffrey Diamonds
Dear Geoffrey Diamonds; I think I might be a ghost. Baelfjord touched me one time and now all I want to do is hang out on a spooky cloud and go "WoooOooooOoooo". I feel like an outsider now and people seem to look right through me. How do I adjust to these unlife changes? Signed, Departed
Dearly Departed,
Thank you for writing me about this chilling subject. The truth is that Baelfjord is powerful and does have the ability to create spooky ghosts, but here is a few tips to verify if you actually are a ghost before we get ahead of ourselves:
1. Do plants (or people) whither and die at your touch?
2. Do babies scream and cry in your presence (more than usual)?
3. Can you pick something up, without more difficulty than normal?
If you have answered yes to any of the above, you might be a ghost. That isn’t the worst thing, though! Do see my work Can Ghosts Have Sex? to see at least one of the benefits of becoming an incorporeal undead.
While you are truly an outsider, there are places you can go where you will always be welcome. Dungeons, spooky old churches, basements, and underneath the beds of children will always be a welcome place for you. Or, you can come by my place! The rose garden is quite lovely this time of year.
Last, in terms of adjustments, just forget everything you know about life and have fun! You can do all kinds of new and interesting things, go almost anywhere, and most people won’t ever want to mess with you. That’s pretty exciting! Alternatively, since you have the yawning void of infinity in which to do whatever you want now, you can also take a small amount of time to haunt Baelfjord for turning you into a ghost.
Might I suggest you practice rattling chains?
XOXO,
-GD
