The Mystery of the Demon Jerk

Rated: Fiction M - English - Mystery - [Sftabhmontown] - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1751 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 3

The Mystery of the Demon Jerk

In which a demon is a jerk for unknown reasons

By: Geoffrey Diamonds

The Gazpacho Soup flew through the sky like a graceful flying boats. Aboard, Raddoh squinted into the distance to a clearing on top of a hill, where a frantic person was waving on top of a wagon. Raddoh steered the ship to land beside it and called over the gunwale “What do you need, weird person on top of a wagon?” This called the attention of the handful of other people on the boat and the gang peered over the edge to see what was happening. Twinkles said to Summer-Doo “I don't like the feeling of this, Summer-Doo!”

The person on top of the wagon hurriedly ran over quickly to the boat and yelled up to the dwarf “I'm being haunted by a demon, help!” and then everyone saw that the mysterious person was none-other than Benedictish Frankwich and then everyone said “Benedictish Frankwich!” but suddenly a tall woman with the lower body of a serpent which was gross looking ran forth and grabbed Benedictish Frankwich and took him screaming into the woods, leaving behind a trail of glowing slime. “D-d-d-d-d-d-DEMON!” Twinkles and Summer-Doo yelled out loud together at the same time.

“Looks like we have a mystery on our hands, GANG!” Raddoh said, adjusting his ascot sensually and jumping down from the Gazpacho Soup. The boat yelled to Raddoh “You must rescue the kidnapped Knotts.” but Raddoh had enough of the boat's shit and ignored it because a boat with a strong sense of justice and a mouth never shuts up about it.

Ruddy Flynn poked the glowing slime and followed the trail with her eyes to a sign that said “Diamonds Estate” with a rose carved under it. “Maybe we'll find an answer to our mystery there!” she said. Twinkles and Summer-Doo looked at the spooky and dark path that lead to the Diamonds estate and hugged each other, teeth chattering. “We have to stay behind to watch the boat!”

Rosencrantz looked at the pair and sternly said “Summer-Doo and Twinkles, too! You can't stay here alone, besides, what if the demon came back while we weren't here to protect you?” Twinkles and Summer-Doo's eyes widened and they ran down the trail quickly.

The gang stood outside of the Diamonds Estate with a look of awe upon their face for the building was magnificently decorated and looked like it was built by angels and even Raddoh the Dwarf said he had never seen something so beautiful made out of stone which is a big deal coming from a dwarf so you know it must've been p. impressive

They approached the door and knocked, and a figure opened the door with a brilliantly warm light illuminating the travellers in the odd darkness because it was night now. “Hello, travellers! I'm Geoffrey Diamonds, what brings you to this neck of the woods? Surely you wish for an autograph? Not at all a problem, please, come in!” Geoffrey stepped aside and the gang walked into the baller entry hall that had marble floors and impossibly proportioned statues. Raddoh spoke for the group “Thank you Mr. Diamonds of course we would love your autograph since everyone knows of your famous self but we actually came here because of a problem we have with a DEMON!” which was true though they all did wish to have their copies of Geoffrey Diamonds' various works (including Save Against True Love and Bob's Little Book of Learning) autographed they did also want to fight the demon.

Geoffrey Diamonds reacted without surprise. “Oh a demon you say? I've been having trouble with that. Popping her face up into windows as I walk by at night and walking on my roof. It's terribly inconsiderate. My good friend John Baelfjord has put a strong ward upon this home, though, so no demons could ever enter. At least, if they could that'd be the least of our worries. It usually comes around about now, actually.” Geoffrey began pouring everyone a glass of wine because he is a good host but probably also because he was obviously drunk

Just then the room was filled with darkness, the torches barely illuminating past a few inches of their flame and a sharp cackle filled the room, causing Twinkles and Summer-Doo to bolt immediately. When the lights came back on, Geoffrey Diamonds was gone as well.

“Jinkies!” yelped Rosencrantz. “Where did he go?”
“I don't know, Rosencrantz, but I have a strange feeling something isn't quite right with this demon.” Ruddy Flynn said while poking a small puddle of glowing slime that appeared where Geoffrey was standing.

Twinkles and Summer-Doo ran down a long hallway and burst through a door, finding themselves inside of a kitchen. “We have hit the jackpot, Sums!” Twinkles called out while rifling through the cupboards, producing the makings for a sandwich. Summer-Doo laughed and said “I'mh roring to reat reverything!” and trotted over to a tall cupboard in the corner, opening it to reveal a tied-up Benedictish Frankwich, doing a double take and closing it immediately, running to Twinkles and pointing at the cupboard while yelping.”Like, zoinks Sums what has you so bent out of shape? Too much food?” Twinkles opened the door and sees Benedict, turns white, and the two run away from the room again, leaving the door open and Benedictish Frankwich to awkwardly hop out.

“Twinkles, Summer-Doo! Where have you been?” Raddoh asked as the two ran into the entry hall and breathlessly tried to pantomime what they saw between wheezing, then Benedict hopped into the room, falling on his side. Raddoh and Rosencrantz helped untie and ungag him. “Ouch, my back!” he yelped as soon as the cloth was out of his mouth. “Are you okay?” Ruddy asked. “It's okay, just a few Knotts.” Everyone groaned and Raddoh pushed Benedict to explain what was happening.

“Well, I've been living around these parts for quite awhile now, trying to reconnect with nature. Then, Geoffrey Diamonds shows up and builds this mansion! I think he wanted someplace secluded so he could get away with having parties as loud as he wanted really. Then, about two weeks ago, this demon shows up and starts scaring everyone who lived here away!” Benedict adjusted his shirt and stood up, going to the door. “If you'll excuse me, though, this has been more than enough excitement for me!” and tried to open the door but the door was locked and Benedictish said “The door is locked, we're trapped!”

The demon suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs and said “Fools, you should never have come here! I am the Demon Queen, and your souls will feed my minions in the lowliest levels of hell!” and began charging the group who ran into a hallway and the demon ran after them through a series of impossibly connected doors and it was comical. Finally the gang ran into a study on the top floor, and the demon was gone.

“I think I have an idea of what's happening, here…” Raddoh said.
“Me too, now we need to solve this! I don't think we're dealing with a demon at all!” Ruddy Flynn began drawing a plan on how to capture the demon using a chandelier in the entry hall. “We'll stand here to drop the chandelier, Twinkles and Summer-Doo, you need to go flush the demon out and make it chase you!”
“Ruh, ruck rou.” Summer-Doo said, crossing her arms defiantly.
“Like, yeah, that seems like a terrible idea, what the hell?” Twinkles replied.
“What if we give you… a Summer Snack?” Rosencrantz said, and the pair turned up their nose. “Twoooo Summer Snacks?” The pair cocked their eyebrow. “Three Summer Snacks!” and the pair nodded happily and trotted down the hallway. Summer snacks are a euphemism for drugs.

Deep inside the Geoffrey Estate Twinkles and Summer-Doo had managed to find their way into the basement. “You know, Sums, I don't know how we plan on dealing with this demon lady even if it's just Geoffrey.” Suddenly, they bumped into the stomach of the tall demon woman, and looked up to see her leering down at them. “LIKE, ZOINKS! RUN, SUMS!” Twinkles shouted and they both disappeared in a cloud of dust as the demon began chasing them.

“GANGWAY!” they yelled as they ran into the room, and Raddoh directed everyone holding the rope connected to the chandelier to drop it. The chandelier crashed just after the demon, but Benedictish Frankwich hasn't let go of the rope and followed it up as everyone else had let go, grabbing Summer-Doo on the way up to try and stop his flight. Right as she was about to grab Twinkles, who were shivering in front of the door in fright, Summer-Doo dropped on top of her from the ceiling, knocking her to the floor. Everyone cheered, “We got the demon, thanks to Summer-Doo!” and Benedict called “Talk about being strung along, don't leave me hanging!”

As the group tied up the demon and began to pull off the mask, Geoffrey Diamonds appeared at the top of the stairwell and yelled angrily “What on earth is this infernal racket?” The gang was surprised to see Geoffrey, and Raddoh said “But if you're there… then who is demon?!” “To hell if I know, I left for when the lights went out as I assumed I had drunk myself into a stupor. I'm quite jealous I hadn't been able to join in on whatever the hell this all is.”

Rosencrantz reached forward and grabbed the face of the mask, pulling it off to reveal Bjorn Felheart. “Bjorn Felheart?!” everyone gasped in unison. “What are you doing here?!”

“I'm getting real tired of your shit all day every day, Geoffrey. This prick has been writing stories about me for ages, and they're awful, everyone thinks I'm an asshole now! I was going to scare everyone else away and trap him here to write more flattering things about me, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you goddamned adventurers!”

“What about the glowing slime, though?” Rosencrantz asked.

“Elf custard, we should have known! Bjorn famously is addicted to it.” Ruddy said.

“Well, you've certainly demon strated that you're a fantastic person to continue writing about!” Geoffrey beamed, and Summer-Doo licked some of the custard off Bjorn's face. "Summer-Dooooooooo!" Bjorn yelled.

Everyone laughed and kept Bjorn tied up until he died.

rating: +2+x
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